Diventare Chapter 4
Spoilers all the way through Season 4 including To Hell…and Back 4X25
Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds, I am making no profit from the writing of this fic.
smacky30 is the best beta anyone could ask for…she corrects my punctuation, deletes my excessive semi-colons, helps me with clarity…she generally and thoroughly kicks ass.
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Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death. –Anais Nin
Dave finds himself standing in the hall again a little over two hours later when Dr. Call comes by to examine Emily. Dave autographed the surgeon’s copies of his books while reminding himself to be gracious. Prentiss looked bewildered and darkly amused as she sat in bed listening to the doctor discuss Deviance with Rossi. When Dave had finally been able to get the man back on track and focused on Emily, Dr. Call explained what had happened during the surgery and affirmed Dr. Sharma’s estimation that Emily would more than likely be released the next day. When he was ready to examine her he called in a nurse and asked Dave to leave the room.
Leaning against the wall for the second time in such a short period, Dave blinks a few times at the sight of Spencer Reid striding down the hall with a bouquet of brightly colored mylar “Get Well” and pastel latex balloons bouncing carelessly behind him. He comes to a halt awkwardly beside Rossi. “Did you get kicked out?”
Dave shakes his head and offers a slight smile. “The surgeon is examining her.”
Spencer purses his lips and gives two absent nods. “Your number one fan?” He gives a sly grin at Rossi’s glare. “How is Emily today?”
Dave quirks an eyebrow. “Stunned, sad, sore.” He shrugs. “But coping.” Of course, that’s just an educated guess or maybe wishful thinking on his part since they haven’t really talked since Dr. Sharma left.
“You know, the official figures for ectopic pregnancy are around 1 in 100, but there are theories that a lot more than that spontaneously abort before they’re discovered to be ectopic. Did you know it’s estimated that as much as 40% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, just most happen before the woman realizes she’s pregnant and the miscarriage masquerades as her usual menstrual cycle?” Rossi suppresses an exhausted laugh; the amount of information Spencer Reid can vomit out on any given topic at a moment’s notice can be both daunting and comforting. “Once a woman has a tubal pregnancy her chances of having another are about 10%. Which is really ironic considering it almost always reduces the probability of conception. And the probability of a tubal pregnancy rises as the woman’s age increases. Of course, 10 to 15 percent of women who’ve had an ectopic pregnancy go on to suffer from infertility.”
Dave feels a pinch in the middle of his chest. He knows Spencer often speaks without thinking about the impact of his words, but he really can’t take any chances here. “Reid,” he barks the younger man’s name out, then makes himself rein it in. Reid is just being Reid. He smoothes his voice and attempts to speak without any kind of censure. “I am asking you, as Emily’s friend, not to quote those statistics to her.”
Suddenly, Reid looks absolutely stricken and he stutters. “I…I’m sorry.”
Rossi waves a hand at him in a negating gesture; he knows there was no malice, not even really thoughtlessness. Because Reid has been told all of his life his intellect and memory are his greatest assets, he tends to think of them as his only assets. He gives information as other people would words of comfort. He’s been told his brain is so big so often, he forgets he has a heart, too. “It’s all right, Spencer. I understand. Just, please, be careful around Emily with this stuff, okay?”
“Yeah, of course. I’m sorry.” He shoves his hands into his pockets and the balloons bump hollowly against the wall and ceiling.
“It’s fine, Reid.” Dave is trying to be reassuring but he’s not sure if he’s pulling it off. He honestly doesn’t know if he could be any more exhausted. One of the nurses had brought him a cup of coffee earlier, but it had been about half the strength he was used to. He thinks he’d probably give just about anything for a good cup of coffee right now.
Reid’s voice is tentative when he speaks again and Dave isn’t sure if it’s because he’s feeling chastised or if he is really hesitant to ask. “How are you doing?”
And that’s the question Dave knows he’s been avoiding as hard as he can since yesterday afternoon. “I’m tired.”
Reid just looks at him with that open, expectant look that he has when he knows there’s more to it and doesn’t speak.
Rossi sighs. “I’m probably too tired to know how I am.” He pauses, then continues. “I’m worried about Emily. I’m still processing everything else.”
Reid looks a little surprised to have received such a frank answer, but he nods understandingly. “Did you get any sleep?”
Shaking his head, Rossi runs a hand over his beard. “Not much.”
“I…” he hesitates, then rushes on, “I could sit with Emily if you want to go home and sleep for awhile.”
Dave shakes his head; he’s not leaving. “Thanks, Reid, but I need to be here.”
The younger man nods in understanding. “Yeah. I thought so. But if you change your mind, the offer stands.” The timber of his voice is more serious and slow than anything Dave remembers hearing from him before and Dave knows if he did change his mind, he could trust Spencer to sit with Emily.
The elevator down the hall dings and Morgan steps out. He catches sight of them and raises his chin in their direction. Walking toward them at a measured pace, he’s balancing an obviously full cup of coffee in one hand and a cheerful arrangement of purple, white and yellow daisies in a basket in the other.
“Hey, Morgan.” Reid bounces a little and the balloons rumble with his movements.
“Hey, Kid.” Morgan nods. “Rossi.”
Dave suddenly remembers Hotch’s words from the night before about Morgan never forgiving him and he wonders if he really might be pissed. He tries to imagine how he would feel and can’t imagine he would feel much of anything. They’d all known about JJ and Will before JJ had been willing to admit it but they hadn’t let on. Privacy was more of an illusion than anything when you worked with a group of profilers and they all counted on each other to respect the illusion. Dave has always assumed someone at least suspected about him and Emily; there were days when he felt so completely smitten, he was sure he was wearing his heart on his sleeve in flashing neon. Until yesterday, he’d never really considered they could have been that good at hiding their relationship.
When Morgan reaches them, he extends the coffee towards Rossi. “If you’ve already had some, you can toss it, no hard feelings.”
Gratefully, Rossi accepts the cup and immediately removes the lid. “God bless you, Derek.” He inhales the rich fragrance of the dark brew, then blows across the steaming surface, his exhale causing a gentle wave effect over the liquid. He takes a sip, unmindful of the slight burn to his tongue. “I was about to offer Spencer a thousand dollars to find the closest Starbucks and get me a decent cup of coffee.”
Reid straightens, feigning enthusiasm. “I still can.”
“Beat you to it, balloon boy.” Morgan tugs on the ribbons clutched in the younger man’s hand causing the balloons to jostle against each other. “Why are we hanging out in the hall?”
“The president of Rossi’s fan club is in with her right now,” Reid provides casually and Morgan snorts. Rossi just shakes his head and takes another drink of coffee.
The door opens just then and the doctor emerges from Emily’s room, his newly autographed books in the crook of his arm. “Everything looks good. If there’s no sign of infection she can go home tomorrow.” He touches the top book on the stack. “I can’t tell you how thrilled I am to have gotten these signed and the opportunity to talk to you about some of it has really been amazing. I am going to reread Deviance now that I have a more personal insight into the subject matter. I hope that…” His pager beeps at him and he glances at it, frowning. “Damn. I’ve got to go. It was an honor to meet you, Dave.” He shakes Rossi’s hand and nods to Reid and Morgan who look like they would laugh if they thought they could get away with it.
“Not a word,” Dave threatens when the surgeon is sufficiently far down the hall. They both flash grins and he has to clamp down on a smile of his own. “Hold on a second, let me make sure she’s up for company.” The two men nod and he steps back inside the room.
It looks as though the nurse is helping Emily back into bed and Dave notices the IV and other tubes have been disconnected and she’s wearing her sleep pants and tank top from her go bag. “You’re unhooked.”
She gives him a tired, sad smile. “Yeah.”
The nurse adjusts the pillow behind Emily’s head. “She’s doing well. We’ll do pain management with pills from here on out.” She arranges the call button within easy reach over the bed rail. “We’ll get her up and walking in an hour or so.”
Dave knows his eyebrows are so far up his face feels stretched. “Really? This soon.”
The nurse nods. “Best thing for her.” She pats Emily’s foot. “Call if you need anything.”
“Are you up for some visitors?” He’s suddenly not sure if this is a good idea; she actually looks a little worse than she did before the doctor came in, but she still nods.
“Sure. That would be nice.”
It does turn out to be nice. Morgan and Reid come in like an unexpected comedy team. They don’t talk about what happened the day before, not about the pregnancy, the surgery, the scare, or finding out about her and Dave. Instead they poke at each other and at Dave, making her smile. Spencer pulls a daisy out of her ear. Morgan says he saw the sleight of hand and Spencer counters by pulling two daisies out of Morgan’s ears and he growls, “Quit depleting the arrangement, man.”
They stay for less than an hour but it’s good. Emily is obviously more relaxed even if she appears tired. Dave is once again feeling frustrated at the limited range of language in expressing his gratitude. Reid and Morgan both seem to understand; Morgan shakes his hand and claps him on the shoulder and Reid gives him the tentative hand raise and awkward smile he uses when he “gets” something.
The nurse insists Emily get up and walk for a bit, but Dave doesn’t like it; she’s obviously drained and he thinks she should rest. He starts to argue with the nurse but Emily just shakes her head at him. “I want to.” He knows that’s not exactly true; she’s exhausted and in some pain. What he knows about Emily though is her absolute hatred of feeling weak or needy. If getting up and walking around is going to help her return to normal more quickly, then that is what she’s going to do, no matter how she feels physically. Probably, also knowing Emily, she’d rather push herself physically than have to deal with any of the emotional baggage and there’s bound to be a shit ton with this.
So, she walks. He keeps his arm around her as they move up the hall and back. It’s slow and a little tense, but she makes it on her own steam. He’s relieved when he helps her back into bed and he’s not surprised when she’s asleep within minutes.
She wakes when they bring lunch in; she drinks some broth but ignores almost everything else on the tray. He frowns but doesn’t give her a hard time about it. It’s a struggle to not hover or smother; he has to stop himself from asking how she feels or if she needs anything every five minutes. Normally he might not stop himself, but at this point he’s afraid if he does something wrong she will shut down and he won’t be able to help her through this. Though, honestly, he doesn’t know what “through this” looks like.
Garcia and JJ show up with magazines and more flowers shortly after her lunch tray is removed and the two of them go on her second walk with her, one on either side. Dave trails just far enough behind to give them a small sense of privacy, but close enough to be able to step forward to catch her if things should suddenly start to go badly. They’re teasing Emily about developing a slow model’s walk and her sleep pants being the height of catwalk fashion. Emily is smiling at their light hearted chatter even though the smile is tinged with sorrow. When they reach the end of the hall, she leans against the wall, resting for a moment, pressing her hand against her abdomen.
JJ catches Rossi’s eye and grins. Then she leans in close and whispers to Emily, who looks up and into Dave’s face, frowning. He raises his eyebrows and her face softens into something so incredibly tender even as she nods at JJ. He knows he’s just been discussed and he should probably be upset or offended but just seeing that look on her face directed at him makes his chest squeeze, makes him willing to fight his way through hell to get to her, just to see it again.
As they walk back, JJ fills Emily in on what she told her mother the day before and that turns out to be a very good thing, since the ambassador calls the room phone less than fifteen minutes after the two women leave. Rossi is tense during the call, he sort of feels like he’s on the edge of doing battle, but Emily handles the ambassador well, reiterating what JJ told her without expanding on it and reassuring her she is fine, she has someone staying with her and no, Ambassador Prentiss should definitely not come to Washington.
Surprisingly, Emily doesn’t seem that concerned. “She just wanted to know I wasn’t dying.” She yawns. “And it doesn’t make sense for her to come all the way back here just to take care of me.”
Dave leans over her and presses a kiss to her forehead, softly. “You’ve got me for that.”
Her smile is gentle as she traces a finger along his jaw. “Yeah. I’ve got you.” She cups his cheek. “I’m pretty glad about that part.”
Turning his head, he kisses her wrist. “I’m…” He shakes his head. “I wouldn’t be anywhere else.”
She pulls his head down and kisses him. “Thank you.”
His throat is too thick to speak, so he just blinks his stinging eyes and kisses her again.
TBC…