Diventare-Chapter 3
Spoilers all the way through Season 4 including To Hell…and Back 4X25
Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds, I am making no profit from the writing of this fic.
smacky30 is a brilliant beta and a better friend. I am blessed to know her.
Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death. –Anais Nin
***
The hours pass and Emily doesn’t stir. Periodically, nurses come in and check on her, reading the machines, adjusting the lines, making notes. They offer him smiles and quiet words, “She’s doing well.” Or “Everything looks good.” He smiles politely and nods and wonders how well she’ll be doing when she understands what’s happened.
It’s dark outside when Hotch comes back through the door. His tie is gone and he’s unbuttoned his collar. He has both go bags, Dave’s briefcase, as well as a spray of sunflowers in a terra cotta vase and several paper bags. He puts the flowers on the side table, where Emily will see them when she wakes and drops the go bags and Dave’s briefcase beside his chair. “I thought you might have something to keep you occupied in the briefcase.”
“I do. Thanks.” He actually has several sets of case notes and one hard copy of the galley for the new book. He doesn’t feel like going over it, but it would have to be better than staring at Emily, waiting for her to move and thinking the same things over and over.
Hotch puts another bag on the tray table. “Sports Illustrated and Petersen’s Hunting; I didn’t know what else you might like.”
“Thank you.” Dave is more than appreciative but he doesn’t know how to express it adequately. He’s counting on Hotch to know.
“Waiting is tough; I’d rather be the one sick.” The younger man pulls up a chair and sits, opening the remaining bag. “Thought we’d have dinner together. Reuben or meatball sub?”
Rossi realizes while he may not be ready for food, Hotch has gone to some trouble and it would be rude to refuse. He’s never noticed Aaron order either type of sandwich, he’s usually turkey on whole wheat, but he’s probably noticed those are Dave’s most frequent sandwich orders. “If you don’t have a preference, I’ll take the Reuben.”
Hotch flashes a smile in the dim light as he hands Dave the paper wrapped sandwich. “I’d actually prefer the meatball.” He follows the Reuben with a small bag of potato chips and a pickle wedge in plastic wrap.
They don’t speak and for a time the only sounds in the room are the rustle of paper and the crinkle of the chip bags. Without much enthusiasm, Dave takes a bite of the sandwich. He wouldn’t exactly say he was suddenly glad to be eating, but his body does remind him it’s been almost twenty-four hours since his last meal. He takes a second bite with a little more interest.
The meatball sub is more than half gone when Hotch takes a chip out of the bag with careful consideration. “Ambassador Prentiss returned JJ’s call.”
Dave winces, rubbing his fingers on a napkin. He’d forgotten about the ambassador. “Please tell me she’s not on her way here.”
Shaking his head, Hotch drops the chip back in the nearly empty bag and chooses another. “JJ thinks she put her off. We thought that should probably be Emily’s decision.” The chip crunches under his teeth.
Feeling much more relief than he thinks he probably should, Rossi blows out a breath. “What did JJ tell her?”
“She said Emily’s fallopian tube ruptured and she had to have surgery but she was going to be fine.” Aaron crumples the bag with the remaining chips and tosses it into the trash. “She explained that Emily would mostly be out of it until at least tomorrow and that a friend was staying at the hospital with her.”
He blinks. It was perfect; enough information that the ambassador doesn’t become suspicious, none of it was a lie, and it allows Emily to decide if she wants her mother to come or not. Dave has always known JJ was good at her job, but he had no idea how deftly she could handle a precarious situation until this moment; he’s impressed. He also feels like he’s done nothing but repeat himself today. “Thank you.”
“Thank JJ. She did a great job with it.” Hotch is wrapping up the remnants of his sandwich and wiping his mouth.
“She did and I will.” This feeling of owing people, needing help is not one he’s used to nor is it one he particularly likes, but he knows this is what it’s like to be part of a team. It’s not something they leave at the office; they’ve seen too much, been through too much together to be able to draw those lines. They have to care about each other, have each others’ backs, keep an eye out, take care of each other. When one falls, they all suffer. It’s just that he’s used to being the one doing the supporting, offering the helping hand.
He looks at Hotch and realizes the younger man has to know on how many levels he’s struggling with the events of the day. For fifteen minutes today, he had a family and he isn’t exactly sure how he feels about that or about the loss of it. Not to mention the worry about Emily and the sudden revelation of their relationship to the team. It all settles back on him and he feels unutterably weary again. “I’m sorry you found out this way. If you want my badge, you’ve got it.”
Hotch grimaces. “Don’t be ridiculous.”
“You don’t have anything to say about this?” He’s not sure why he’s pressing. It’s not the time or the place, but it seems to be the only thing he has any control over at the moment and he needs to feel something is settled, even if it’s settled badly.
Surprising Rossi, Hotch shrugs nonchalantly. “What’s to say? There are rules against this; you did it anyway. You never let it interfere with your work as far as I can tell.” He lets out a sigh. “This is going to be hard enough on the two of you; don’t worry about the job.”
Dave can’t imagine how shocked he must look. It must be quite a sight because Hotch breaks into a smile and lightly smacks his bicep. “The worst thing is how stupid the rest of us feel for not spotting it earlier. Morgan may never forgive you for that alone.”
If Morgan being pissed is the worst thing that happens out of this, Dave figures he’ll be pretty damn lucky. Still, the perspective is good; there are things more important than the job. He stops himself from thanking Hotch again; it feels nowhere near adequate enough. When this is over, when he can actually think a thought that doesn’t run back in on itself, he’ll think of something to do to express his gratitude. So, he just gives a tired smirk and says, “I can live with that.”
Hotch stays for a while and they talk about the office, the case they just wrapped, Jack and whether Hotch is going to purchase the condo he’s been renting since the divorce. When he rises to leave, he rests his hand against Rossi’s shoulder briefly. “If you, or Emily, need anything, call me. I’ll be around all weekend.”
This time he doesn’t stop himself. “Thank you for…everything today.”
“It’s what friends do.” His voice is soft and calm and Dave watches him walk out knowing what he says is true and promising himself to be a better friend to Hotch, to all of them.
The next time one of the nurses comes in she brings him a blanket and a pillow, telling him the recliner isn’t half bad for sleeping; they were designed especially for people staying with patients. After he brushes his teeth and slips off his shoes, Dave spreads the blanket out over himself and decides, while it’s not his top of the line king size bed, as tired as he is, it’ll do the job.
He sleeps, but not deeply. Every time the nurses come to check on Emily he wakes, watches and then sinks back into sleep again.
It’s just after four when he wakes to the sound of whimpering and the rustling of bed clothes. “Em?” He struggles to pull himself out of the recliner. “Emily, are you all right?”
Her eyes are open, but he has the feeling she’s not really awake. “The hummingbirds, they’re fighting.” She’s sobbing and it is heart rending.
“Em? Are you in pain?” His heart is pounding as he reaches frantically for the call button as Emily continues to cry.
“I’ll be good, I promise, I’ll be good. Make them stop fighting.” Gasping, she tries to sit up and then cries out and he knows that had to hurt when she collapses back to the bed. “Just make them stop.”
He knows she’s not really conscious and what she’s saying doesn’t mean anything. But he’s still trying to soothe her, brushing her hair back, reaching for her hand, but he doesn’t know what else to do. Where the fuck is the nurse? “Emily, can you hear me? It’s Dave.”
Emily stares into his eyes, tears falling down her cheeks. “I’ll be good, I promise. Please make them stop.”
The nurse comes briskly through the door. “How are we doing?”
“She’s…upset.” His first inclination was to say hysterical, but that was so far out of character for Emily and this was just on the edge of that, so he couldn’t. “She tried to sit up and I think she hurt herself.”
“Emily?” The nurse’s voice was solid, firm. “Are you in pain?”
Emily turns her head toward the nurse. “They were fighting, they didn’t mean to hurt me.”
“I know.” The woman’s voice turns soothing, gentle. “I’m going to give you something for the pain, okay? You’ll go back to sleep but when you wake up, you’ll feel better.” The nurse pats her arm and presses the button on what Dave assumes is the morphine pump, then turns to one of the machines beside the bed and presses some buttons.
Emily nods, repeating. “I’ll be good.”
Even after all these years, everything he’s seen, Dave has never felt such gut wrenching emotion. “Emily.” He kisses her fingers, rubs her hand over his cheek. “Em.” But all the things he wants to say are not meant for here, they’re meant for candlelight and wine and slow kisses, not this cold, sterile hospital room, not this strange place where he isn’t even sure she knows him, where she’s going to wake up to tragedy in the morning. He says only what he knows means anything in that moment. “I’m here.”
Her head turns back toward him and he can see she’s calmer already, awake now but drowsing again. “Dave?”
Thumbing the tears off her cheeks, he nods. “Hey.”
Her eyelids lower slowly, then rise just as slowly. “Hey.” She gives a tiny smile and her eyes close again. “I was dreaming.”
“Yeah?” He presses his lips to the back of her hand. “Want to tell me about it?”
“You’re here,” she slurs, then she’s quiet.
The nurse pats his shoulder. “It’s the anesthesia. Some people have a rough time processing when they come out of it. Sometimes they get emotional, sometimes they get sick. Believe me, a little confusion is better than vomiting with her incision. When she wakes in the morning, it’ll be better.”
Dave swallows but doesn’t let go of Emily’s hand. “I hope so.”
“She won’t even remember this in the morning.” Dave thinks that’s just fine, because he’s going to try as hard as he can to forget it, he only hopes he’s able to. But then, there may be worse things to face tomorrow.
After the nurse leaves, he settles back in his chair, but he feels wide awake now. Adrenaline rush, he knows. He also knows it’s going to be awhile before he’ll be able to relax enough to sleep again. Listening to the sounds, even as hushed as they are, from the hall he feels the minutes pass. Emily is not as motionless as she had been throughout the evening and while he feels more alert with every one of her movements, he’s glad she’s not as unmoving as she was before.
Emily can be quiet and there’s a certain peace in being with her in their down time; but she’s never really completely still. She’s so full of life, so vibrant, even when she’s not talking his eyes are still drawn to her, he feels her presence in the room. Her stillness since the surgery has been slightly unnerving and he’s glad for her little movements, the turn of her head, the shift of her hand, the small kick of her foot beneath the covers.
The sky is starting to lighten, turning from black to grey and he wonders with a feeling of incredulity that borders on shock if it’s only been a day since he woke up without Emily in bed beside him. There’s more activity in the hall outside her room, though it’s still muted, and he wonders if he’d be able to get a cup of coffee somewhere at this time of the morning but he doesn’t really want to leave in case Emily wakes again. Deciding he’ll wait until the nurse comes back and he gets her opinion on when Emily might wake again, he relaxes in the chair and without meaning to, slides back into sleep.
***
“Hello, Emily.”
The woman’s voice is not one he knows but it brings him out of sleep. There’s a moment of complete disorientation when he opens his eyes, though not from his surroundings; he spends a generous portion of his life waking up in an ever changing array of hotel rooms, after all. What is startling is the sight of Emily, sitting up in the raised bed, eyes open and brightly aware. It’s pretty clear she has been awake for at least a little while.
“How are you doing?” The woman the voice belongs to is grey haired and dark skinned, dressed in a lab coat and perusing what Dave assumes is Emily’s chart.
Before Emily can answer, he moves the chair from reclined to sitting, drawing both women’s attention. Emily blinks at him as he stands and then sort of, but not quite, smiles. “Hey. You’re awake.”
“Hey.” He smiles at her, he hopes reassuringly, smoothes his hair down with both hands and looks at the clock: 7:25. Stepping forward he offers his hand to the woman, “David Rossi.”
Her handshake is firm, strong. “Anu Sharma. I am Emily’s physician.”
He moves back to Emily’s bedside, lightly touching the curve of her hand. “How are you feeling?”
Her eyes move back and forth between Dave and Dr. Sharma. “Sore, groggy and really confused. What the hell happened to me?”
Dave and the doctor share a grim look, then she steps closer to the bed. “There is no pretty way to put this, Emily. You suffered a ruptured fallopian tube and damaged Sampson artery due to an ectopic pregnancy.” Emily’s eyes are huge and dark in her pale face and Dave hurts at her expression. He grasps her hand as the doctor continues speaking. “You underwent emergency surgery yesterday afternoon. The implantation was removed and the artery was repaired. Because of the rupture, part of the tube had to be removed as well, but it was a relatively small portion.”
Her lips look stiff when she moves them. “Wait.” She sucks in a breath. “Wait. Pregnancy? You’re saying I was pregnant?”
“Yes.” Dr. Sharma nods sadly. “But it was in the fallopian tube instead of the uterus. It was never a viable pregnancy.”
“No,” Emily shakes her head. “I wasn’t pregnant.” She looks at Dave a little desperately, then back to the doctor. “I…we use birth control, condoms every time. I just finished my period.”
“No method of birth control is foolproof, you know that, Emily. And menses doesn’t always stop with ectopic pregnancy.” The doctor pats Emily’s hand. “I know this is difficult, it’s a lot to absorb all at once.”
Dave aches at the look of pain and shock on Emily’s face. He wants to say something, wants to offer her comfort but he doesn’t know what to say. All the times he’s spoken words of solace and sympathy to strangers mock him now as trivial and meaningless. He squeezes her hand and she turns toward him looking so lost he doesn’t know how he keeps breathing.
Dr. Sharma looks directly at him. “Would you mind stepping outside? I’d like to do a quick exam.”
“Sure, sure.” He slides two fingers under Emily’s chin and tilts her face up. “I’ll be right outside, okay?”
Still looking quite stunned, she nods and he surprises her, and maybe himself, by pressing a quick kiss to her lips before leaving the room. He steps out into the hall, pulling the door behind him, slumping against the wall.
It’s only a few minutes before the doctor calls him back in. Emily is still pale and her eyes are wide, but she looks less disbelieving. And infinitely sad.
“Dr. Call will be by later today, I’m sure, but I imagine if there’s no sign of infection or any other complication he’ll release you tomorrow.” Dr. Sharma is making notes in the chart. “Call my office on Monday to schedule a visit for late in the week, all right?”
Emily murmurs an absent assent and Dave makes a mental note to make sure she does so. The doctor pats Emily’s arm in a motherly fashion and shakes Dave’s hand again before departing.
Once the doctor leaves, Dave stops thinking and just acts on instinct. He sits beside her on the bed and pulls her as close as the IV lines and limited space will allow, wrapping his arms around her. When she starts crying softly against his shoulder he is, strangely, relieved. He doesn’t say anything, just holds her and lets her cry, rubbing his hand over her back and pressing kisses to her hair.
TBC…